If I Could Turn Back Time
by Sorrowful Melody
Summary: Nagisa passed away, leaving a heartbroken Tomoya. His way of coping is very horrible, and he strays away from public society. But then he meets this strange young girl who claims to have magical powers follow him around. She says she can grant any wish under circumstances... but is it true? He finds out when he is back in highschool once more. But nobody remembers him..


**If I Could Turn Back Time**

DISCLAIMER: NO I DO NOT OWN CLANNAD BUT I WISH I DID! T-T

I WAS ORIGINALLY Kirishiki Sunako… but I'm starting anew on a fresh account... hai? ^ ^; It's been a while since I wrote fanfiction… so now I present to you a new fandom that I will be doing my literature on!

**Chapter 1: Reality Hurts**

"Nagisa! I-It's alright… I'm here... just relax," I nervously stuttered while gently grabbing the hand of the woman I loved so dearly. Out of all the times she had to go through labor now. Despite her pleas not to visit the hospital, that was where we went. The traffic was too much… the honking of cars and busses would repeat over and over again, my mind starting to lose it's sanity at every beep heard. I had to hurry, for my sweet Nagisa. Her painful cries made me flinch, and my heart was beating so fast. I was so scared, this feeling I've never felt before. But gods must have hated me, the traffic never died down.

Growling with impatience I swiftly turned the wheel around and headed the opposite direction, against all the other cars… Home was where I was going. "Sanae, Aki- hang on there. Nagisa isn't going to die because of this shit. Just you see." The words wearily wavered out of my mouth, my eyes welling up with tears. It was so out of character for me to cry, but it was far too unbearable for me. Howling I hit the brakes and speeded down the opposite side of the road, not even caring anymore if the whole car would get hit. Nagisa… Nagisa please hang in there. It'll be alright… my love.

The car had halted to a stop in front of the Furukawa bakery. The lights were dim, the shop chained shut. There wasn't any time to stare, so I'd quickly open the door and rush to the back seat frantically. "I'll carry her…" then after that I'd lift her heavy body off the car seat, remembering how hard it had become to carry her. Before she was as light as a feather, I'd even give her piggyback rides on the way to school- when we were younger. But now little Ushio was in her tummy, such things could only harm the little one. A simple fall could do so much to her health.

"T-Tomoy- ah! I-I'm alright d-don't worry about me," Nagisa smiled weakly, with a painful tone to her voice. Then silently Sanae would undo the locks and turn the lights on, Akio even being silent for a change. This really meant bad news. Nagisa has noticed my bloodshot eyes and then her eyes would soften with emotion, and all she could do was yelp when she was placed back on her bed, the nurse waiting beside it the whole time, before tending to my precious wife, giving her instructions. The monitor had been plugged in, and everything had been ready and set up.

A long period of torture was experienced, all the screaming and kicking heard and seen, I was squeezing her hand tightly, in best efforts to console her with what little words I could muster up to speak. She'd even pass out for periods from the pain she had felt. What was I thinking? Maybe if we had never done _it_, she wouldn't have to go through this… I'm so stupid for granting her wish. She wanted a baby, but she couldn't go through three times the pain than a normal labor could give her.

My eyes widened as she had let out an ear piercing scream, as she started to cry out of exhaustion, her voice then dying down in a short period of time, her skin getting pale. "Nagisa! Nagisa!" I'd shout, before putting a hand over my mouth, and whimpering. She closed her eyes and sighed in relief before closing her eyes. Then to my shock the cry of a firstborn was heard. Ushio..?

"It's a girl," the nurse nodded neutrally before wrapping the infant gently in a white blanket, and moving towards me, the baby extended as if she had intended for me to hold her. Ushio.. Ushio Okazaki, born on December 24th, 2006. Time: 11: 45 PM. Weight: Eight pounds and healthy. I hesitantly grabbed the baby, still gravely anxious about Nagisa. And when I turn my head… she's as pale as a ghost, her eyes closed shut. My words struggle to be audible. I'd try to mutter her, name, but couldn't get the guts to. No… she was just unconscious. She's not dying- my sweet Nagisa.

Sanae looked over at Akio before gasping, her eyes welling up with tears as well, her husband biting his lip to refrain himself from breaking down as well. She would walk over to Nagisa, and put a hand over her chest, squeezing her eyes shut as she felt a heartbeat. "S-She's breathing," the lady whispered, her eyes soulless with no glowing and optimistic light to them anymore. So out of character. She would walk back to Akio and bury her head in his chest, sniffling sounds beginning to become audible.

Terror filled my eyes as I shouted abruptly. "N-Nagisa! L-Look! It's our baby Ushio… isn't she healthy? We're going to grow up together right? The… big dango family- right..? Nagis…a?" I would quiver as my hands would shake, before looking at her ill face, gritting my teeth and trying to suppress the sudden urge to punch a hole in the wall. Her eyes fluttered open, but closed every time she tried, her breathing becoming more like panting. Her heart slowly giving out.

"Tomoya.. I'm sleepy. Let me rest. I can't-" she'd wince before closing her eyes and sighing deeply, choking to maintain steady breaths. I whimpered and stood over her, with a slowly cracking heart, it was on the verge of shattering into many pieces.

"Nagisa.. Give out… you haven't seen Ushio! We were-" I was cut off when she raised her weak yet delicate hand to touch my cheek, her vision too blurry to see anything but my dark blue eyes. Her eyes opened, wearily as she forced a weak smile on her face. Groggily she'd strain out what we never knew would be her last words.

"Tomoya… please take c-care of- Cough… Ushio f-for me… You'll be a great father I know it. Tomo-ya. I love… y-" she let out a breath before ever being able to complete her sentence, her hand dropping from my cheek to thud against the edge of the bedside. Quickly the nurse had grabbed the baby from my arms and held her silently, not knowing how to console us in any way. My biggest nightmare had come true. I couldn't believe any of this. Reality couldn't process through my mind. Nagisa Okazaki, passed away on December 25th. 12:00 AM.

She was alive a minute ago. Nagisa was breathing, but now she was as emotionless as a blank cover. Her once soft and smooth skin, now as cold as the icy snow that rested on the ground outside. I would break down, sobbing over my wife's' corpse. "N-NAGISAA! YOU PROMISED TO BE BY MY SIDE FOREVER DAMMIT! Nagisa… you're the reason why I look forward to every new day! Please don't go… it's only a bad fever…" my boy sunk to the floor as I would sob onto the ground, both my hands clutching my chest. That was the feeling of being shattered. Your heart didn't only lose it's other half, it also lost it's soul. It's sanity.

Nagisa, it was because of you I smiled. It was because of you I became a better person. G-God why do you do this to me. WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?! Why does everything happy become always turn into a living hell? But to answer my question, the voice of a small female child was heard. "Because life never was a bunch of roses. This world is a very cruel place," she would laugh humorlessly before the voice disappeared from my head.

To my side were both of the grieving Furukawa's… and the baby's crying noises sounded like nails screeching against a cold hard chalkboard. Clenching my teeth and wiping my tears, I bolted out of the apartment and far away- yet there wasn't anywhere that my mind had wanted me to go. I ran away from every human being I had seen, far and far away, where the sound of silence could consume my soul completely.

My feet leaded me to the place I had first met the love of my life- Nagisa. I had remembered every single detail as if it was only yesterday we had encountered each other. At my old school. That silly girl standing at the bottom of the hill shaded by rows of Sakura trees, her eyes squeezed shut cutely as a pink blush spread her cheeks. "Anpan!" she'd shout. The name of her favorite food. It had startled me, but then she had flipped out when she noticed me looking towards her. That was the place I first met Nagisa Furukawa, who is now Nagisa Okazaki.

"I love you… I LOVE YOU NAGISA!" I sobbed before running up to the field of cherry blossoms and resting on one of the stumps, emptying my broken heart out. That tree had a symbol of their love carved in it. At a festival she engraved the image of two dango's beside each other cuddling. Up above them was a big heart. In kanji- _Dango Daikazoku. _She had always longed to start her own big dango family. With the Furukawa's and the Okazaki's. Part of that wish had come true… but one of the most important members had passed on. Nagisa, was the light to everyones life. And no matter how much I ran away from everything, and the fact that all this was reality, my sweet memories of Nagisa were **everywhere. They were haunting me. **Sometimes I feel like this town is nothing but a big curse. I hate this place. I hate everything.

"_This town.. is a place of miracles. Sorrow, is a part of life. We all must pass on eventually," _the voice in my head spoke again. Who was it? Rather, who was SHE? Why am I hearing this other voice? It's so unfamiliar, yet strangely ringing a bell. Whoever she was, she wasn't helping me in any way at all.

I'd weep my sorrows out till it was impossible for me to even shed anymore tears. "Nagisa… what am I going to do? WHAT NOW?! Without you I'm a big mess. I'm worthless. I'm sorry, I can't be the man you wanted me to be. If only…" and so I'd walk back with grief filled eyes, going anywhere but my home. My destination- the bar.

My head hanging low, I walked in hastily, avoiding eye contact with anyone who got near me. Then my feet would lead me to the bartender. "One shot of Vodka please. And make it quick." My heart shrunk after those words escaped the roof of my own tongue. I'm sorry Nagisa, I'm pathetic from the start. My way of coping, isn't how you teach me to. It's not the same.

The shot had arrived, and I stared at the glass, with my grief filled eyes. Sighing dreadfully I lift the cup up and pause for a few, before downing the shot down like it was purified water. Then glass after another glass I went, being the weak man I used to be. You're the only one who comforts me Nagisa. But there's nobody for me now, it feels lonely. What am I to do now love?

Before I had known it, I felt tipsy as my balance had gotten rather unstable. Quickly while I still could, I rented a room for myself… My mind dead set on never returning home. My back would face that apartment, where Nagisa had died. That place is now considered a curse to me. Visiting there could only mean hell to me. So this was the low life set forth for me, no plans ahead. No motivation at all. Just me, myself, and I- grieving over Nagisa.


End file.
